i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
this will be a night to untag.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
