i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
