I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
is wine microwaveable?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
