We won't sleep together?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
