I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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