I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
