I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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