What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
