i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
