then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
