I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize