i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
