I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
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