I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
