Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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