Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
