wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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