it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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