My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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