Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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