twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
