I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
