I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
