That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
