i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
