If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
