I bet he comes in French.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
