They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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