New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
