Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
