God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
