she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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