my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
