hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The beers last night were like the tears from god
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
