if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
