Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize