Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
