Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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