sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
