It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
