My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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