Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
