I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I intend to get homeless drunk
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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