my vag is so smooth its legendary
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
