My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
