And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
