I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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