When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
