Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
