I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
this must be what syphilis tastes like
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
