OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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