It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
