Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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