Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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