I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
