shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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