I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
