Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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