I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize