Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
