I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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