Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
