Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
