This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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